bycnadal:

Willy Nelson

The smell of Granny cooking dinner on a sunday night

the door open, letting in the smell of summer and letting summer smell the cigarette smoke that coats the inside of her house

Dad sitting in the living room watching TV with a glass of milk with ice in it

Mom sitting on the porch drinking sweet tea, probably trying to stay away from Granny

my sister sitting in the kitchen, watching Granny cook

Mom has this way of drifting from room to room, making sure everyone is okay, sometimes talking to Granny and asking if she needs help 

I miss these times a lot, just being surrounded by my family, even though Granny and Mom don’t get along, and I just want Granny to be proud of my family and all that we’ve been through.

I still miss it a lot 

i don’t want to grow up. I want to go to Granny’s house and play the nintendo in the green room while mom, dad, and granny sit on the porch and she smokes Paul Mauls and drinks out of that Marlboro cup that she got god knows where and she crosses her legs and puts her fingers over her mouth and looks out into the yard and taps the ash off the end of her cigarette

and she sits at the end of that glass table that looks like it has ripples in i

she’s had that thing forever

the chairs on the end have a spring in the bottom so they kind of bounce and lean back so i’d always get one of those because i could curl up and my stomach would drop because those old springs were wore out and it leaned back further than it should

we’d climb that big tree (i think it was a magnolia tree) until it was too dark to see or until dinner was ready

then we’d go out after dark and pour salt on the slugs that lived in the hole of that huge tree

we’d run out in the yard in the evening on those long summer nights and catch fireflies in mason jars or hit them with wiffle-ball bats or pinch their butts off and rub the glowy stuff on our arms

Granny once told me that she gave Willy Nelson frozen blueberries

she always has then in her freezer, and i’d eat them even though I didn’t really like them

memories

bycnadal:

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I want to be more important to you than
leveling up your hunter
and battlegrounds
and unlocking that new armor

I want to matter, I want to feel important, I want to feel like my opinion is taken seriously
I want to be loved on, I want to come to your house and be surprised with a day out adventuring
I want to be taken somewhere beautiful, even if that takes 3 hours of driving
I want to talk about our wedding, our life together, where we’re gonna live.. without it turning into-

“wow
this is going to cost
a lot
how are we going to do this?”

I want you to care about my happiness more than what the world will think of you for buying me
a heart shaped box full of chocolates and
flowers on valentines day

I want you to care more about my happiness.

Sometimes it feels like tiny needles are running all over my body and sometimes I just need to be wrapped up tight in arms or blanket or both and sometimes most times my leg still feels the day it did that Christmas eve and then I feel like am I holding on to too much? Do I just need to suck it up? Seems like you want me to and I do try but nights when my heart is sittin heavy on my ribcage and those lines on my skin feel fresh I just don’t know what to do or how to tell you please don’t make me feel more humiliated than I already do

sometimes it’s hard to talk and think and shower
I don’t know how i got this way
maybe I just want to be
but I really don’t
I don’t want to cry over every little thing
i don’t want to feel bad and heavy over stupid things that don’t even matter
but I’ve let myself start feeling again, and I’d rather feel than be numb like I used to be

I’m just an honest person and sometimes I guess it makes me a jerk, but if you say something it should be okay for me to say my opinion too

Except when I do say something rude, and someone is rude back, it makes me really sad

I’m a really sensitive person ://

I remember the time when you asked if you could kiss me and I said no, because I wasn’t ready and you respected that and pulled me in and hugged me for three more hours until the sun was almost up, and you had work the next morning, and I felt bad for keeping you there, but I didn’t really feel bad at all because being held by you was the best thing, even if all we did was stand there and hug and speak in hushed tones so not to chase away the affection that we felt for each other but didn’t want to yield to

and i remember the relief of not having that anchor holding me down anymore, he was gone and I was free to admit to myself how much I had fallen in love with you over those few months that you had driven an hour to my house everyday, and we sat in my room and played video games, and you’d look into my eyes for too long and make me uncomfortable, and there were light brushes of knees and elbows that felt electric

and I remember the night after my sister’s open heart surgery, you drove us back to the house, i changed into that baggy skeleton tank top that I knew you liked because the arm holes were too big and it showed too much of my sides, my head was in your lap and i fell asleep while you rubbed my back and side and I remember waking up, but keeping my eyes closed and enjoying feeling your fingers brush my bare skin
it was the first time i had felt your hands anywhere other than my arms, and i remember you kissing my shoulder

and i remember the first time you kissed me, we were at your house on that uncomfortable dark green futon that we fell in love on, and you were laying over me, kissing my face and you asked if you could kiss me, and I said yes, but you took your time kissing down my face, to the corner of my mouth, back up my jawline, then when you finally kissed me i knew i was in love with you for sure it was soft and passionate at the same time and probably sloppy, but I didn’t mind, because neither of us had kissed anyone before, you still taste the same: honey, and the way the beach feels when first get there, and rainy saturdays, and that excitement of seeing someone after being apart for a long time

i don’t think i’ll ever stop craving the way you taste, even though I can kiss you as much as I want

Lately i’ve been sad and I thought writing about things would help

i really hope it does because I’m tired of being tired and of not feeling good, when I have every reason in the world to be happy

i went to the park today and listened to bluegrass. it was nice.

i don’t know why it bothers me that my dad hates my hair
it’s not like i thought he’d like it to begin with

it feels like the only stable thing in my life right now is Tyler, and I hate myself because i’m not as good of a girlfriend/partner/friend as I should be to him
but i’m very thankful to have his love

I’ve got this constant lump in my throat and I’d like to be able to swallow it and the stinging in my eyes and the ache in my head and tuck it away in that drawer in my stomach where all of the bad feels go, but I think that drawer has been full for a while