last night I sat in a car with two people
one of which i had just met
the other i’ve known and loved for quite some time.
the windows were down, we were all smoking menthols
the street light was shining on her face and she cried listening to a song by Dawes
i try not to confide in people as much these days
try not to get attached as much these days
but sitting there with them, i found myself wanting to
before i knew it I had told them my biggest fear
which is that
maybe mine and his relationship was “the one”
the one that I’ll always miss
the one i’ll tell my daughter about
when she asks why i married her dad, i’ll say i love him, but things with Tyler were different, and you only find that once in your life.
“so when you find it, Clem, just hold on to it, okay?”
because it’s been almost 7 months
and i still can’t imagine being intimate with anyone else
i can’t imagine telling someone that i’m in love with them
i can’t even imagine wanting to be with someone else, not that i want to be with Tyler again
and i worry that won’t go away
even if one day i do get married
and sometimes I feel happy
i worry that i won’t want to know everything there is to know about the person i’m with
i never understood when people said things like
“loving you is like breathing”
but after being with tyler
i get it.
it didn’t take effort, i didn’t have to think about it
it just happened naturally.
but these days
i don’t know how to breathe
and i’m not sure that i want to learn
menthols with john and jenna
a boy put his arm around me
and called me ‘babe’
a boy tried to get me drunk
and told me i move around too much in my sleep
a boy asked if i was going to sit up the entire movie
or cuddle with him
and the only thing i could think about as these things were happening
‘tyler wouldn’t do that. he knows i hate being called babe and having an arm over my shoulder. he loved how much i moved in my sleep. he never tried to get me drunk. and when he asked me to cuddle, he’d say ‘come here’ not make fun of me and then try to get physical.’
to be known by someone so deeply
must be what happiness is.
and i wonder when those thoughts will stop entering my mind
every time a person touches me.
you are like
fireflies in a mason jar on a summer night
you are like
the razor blade on my thigh
you drown me
in the best
and in worst way
and i don’t know
how to tell you
still love you
and i don’t know how
to tell you that
love you anymore.
i don’t know how
to tell you
that i miss the way
and i don’t know
how to tell you
how angry i am
if i could get the water
out of my lungs
to tell you those things
i don’t know
if i could make my mouth say anything other than
come love me
2/10/14 4:49am. t.
there’s a hollow space in my bed and it taunts me
this is where your body should be.
our immediate forever ended too soon
can forevers end?
please don’t cry i love you things are okay you are okay i’m here i’ll love you please stop.
i remember when you clung to me like dust, your mouth like mercury on top of mine.
your spine was so rocky, but dear i promise i would learn to hike if you’d just come back.
and god i just want to cut out all the bad parts of myself and place them on an alter and pray to the heavens JUST TAKE THIS SHIT BACK I DON’T WANT IT ANYMORE YOU ASSHOLES.
I wish i could tell you that i’m not afraid to die.
i wish i could tell you that i want to die almost always.
i wish i knew if love was buried treasure, or just a puzzle piece.
I wonder if i still say your name the same way.
because when you love someone you say their name like it’s the most precious thing you will ever hold inside of yourself.
do i still love you? I DO NOT REMEMBER WHAT LOVE FEELS LIKE.
I WANT TO GO BACK TO BEFORE I WAS SO BROKEN.
calm down, there’s nothing after you.
it feels like there is an entire galaxy between us
and i don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing
i suppose it’s good
and i say that in spite of my clenched fist
in spite of my aching bones.
my heart is in a cocoon at this point and i don’t when i stopped being what you needed but i guess that’s okay.
you know what you’ve broken and i still wish you’d stay up with me all night.
i love you so much, please find home soon.
YOU ALWAYS POURED YOUR HATES ONTO ME AND EXPECTED ME TO STAND THERE LIKE STONE AND NOT LET THEM WRECK ME.
i need you to run through my veins like you used to.
sometimes it hurts so much to think about you i think i go into shock. my head feels dark and fuzzy and my heart feels like stone and it presses against my ribcage and fuck you for that because i was trying to watch Friends when it happened and i missed half of the fucking episode.
I am still here. don’t forget that."
i have this lump in my throat
because for a split second
i remembered what your heartbeat sounds like.
sometimes i have to remind myself that you’re human still
that you feel things still
that you try new things, and meet new people still
when i say things like
“yeah, he’s an asshole”
“how could he date her?”
i have to stop myself, and remember that you are still you.
you’re still the guy stood in the cold for hours just to hug me.
you’re still the guy who surprised me that one valentines day by cleaning the apartment and buying groceries, even when you knew i was on my period and that we wouldn’t be having sex.
you’re still the guy that walked in the cold just to meet me after class and walk me back to the apartment.
you’re still the guy that hugged me and cried with me the day you left. you’re still Tyler.
2/3/14 4:46pm. t.
"sleeping with my arms underneath me is fine for now.
but god i miss sleeping with you underneath me."
2/2/14 2:40am. t.
i think about you every time i peel the skin around my fingernails too far back.
i remember the look in your eyes when you’d grab my bleeding finger and squeeze it in your hand and say “honey that’s too much. you have to stop”
now there’s no one to tell me to stop
and i’ve bought a big box of band aids to replace
2/1/14 11:16am. t.
i’m changing and moving forward and yet all i can think about is how much i wish you were here
moving and changing with me.
i cut my finger really bad on an apple slicer tonight
and i wish you were here to bandage it up and kiss it
because i’m pathetic and need to be loved on every time i get hurt.
things are weird."
2/1/14 1:18am. t.
it’s odd the things that feel like emotions these days
it’s snowing there and i text you and told you to be safe on the roads, because driving in snow and ice terrifies me.
you must remember that, because you text back almost immediately and assured me that the roads aren’t bad, and that you’d be safe.
i worry about you more than i should.
i hope you’re still in there somewhere
beneath all the ice that you’ve formed around yourself.
but you aren’t cold like you think you are.
you’re like the ocean
full of so much life.
you drowned me in the best way possible.
your waves are finding new shores now, and that’s okay.
because i’m made up of mostly water
and you’ll always be a part of me.
you take deep breaths and i feel them from a state away
because you are a supernova
and all i want is to be your explosion.
you told me once that you’d be lost without me.
i hope you were wrong.
1/28/14 4:58pm. t.
took these pictures about a year and a half ago. it’s weird how one day can stay with you. (tyler took the one of me)
we taught my friend andy, from maine, how to skip rocks (he’s the one with his arms in the air). i felt so content that day.
this will always be one of my favorite pictures i’ve made. i don’t know why but it makes me feel a lot of things.
i remember last may (or was it june? no. it was may because we made a cake for my birthday.)
my family went to the beach. you drove up after we had been there for a few days.
we made love a lot on that trip. we fought a few times. I felt distant from you and i missed you a lot on that trip (i hated when i felt like that, but i never hated you). it wasn’t a perfect beach trip.
but i remember one morning, i had just woke up, everyone was gone to the beach
(i assumed you were too)
but you weren’t. you were sitting on the couch
your hair was a mess. you had on a white t-shirt and jean shorts (the one with a big hole on the thigh. left side i think (your left).)
i took a picture of you because I wanted to remember that moment. i don’t know why now. maybe because i felt so delicate that day and seeing you on the couch, a rumpled blanket kind of thrown over you, the remote against your lips, made me want to crawl inside of your ribcage and dissolve into you forever.
i left a day early so i could ride home with you. it was a really long drive. but i always loved road trips. especially ones with you, that usually consisted of getting each other off while we drove down the road.
that was really fucking dangerous now that I think about it.
we had an argument about that stuff that you put in your car to make the air cold. i don’t remember why though.
I remember stopping at this gas station, and we saw this little gray cat.
i don’t know why i remember that either.
maybe because the cat was the same color as the shoes you were wearing.
we were so freespirited. your hair was always a curly mess, your beard was frazzled, you kissed me from the bottom of your heart. (it’s odd to see you now. with your trendy haircut and shaved face and bowties and dating some girl that has a metal backbone and a bible between her palms.)
it was getting dark(ish), which meant it was getting cooler outside. we opened the sunroof, rolled down the windows, and i watched smoke escape your mouth,
and i remember thinking about if the day would come when i’d kiss you for the last time.
i wondered if i would die before you.
i wondered why i related so much to something as insignificant as the smoke filling your lungs.
i understand now that i am (was) like the smoke that filled your lungs that day.
slowly killing you, but making you feel good at the same time.
and dear, i’m sorry for not knowing how to apologize for being that.
“i still love you a lot. oh i love you from the top of my heart.”
1/23/14 8:46pm. t.
"you’ll breathe everyday
until you don’t.
and I hope your lungs are filled with the air from thousands of places.
I hope they feel the frost of new york in the winter,
and the heat of dubai in the summer."
1/23/14 8:11pm. c.
really really missing warmer weather. really really missing this beach trip.
missing warmer weather/ missing flowers/ missing home